Spilled Milk

I have a friend, her name is Mary Jane.

We were introduced to each other in high school but never had much of a connection. We had a handful of fun nights together but didn’t get to see each other very often. I wondered if I’d see her again.

Mary and I reconnected in college, it turns out that we had a great number of mutual friends. My friends liked to hang out with Mary, and so did I. During freshman year, we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. We never hung out alone, but as the months went by I was spending more days of my week with her.

During sophomore year, my friends and I all lived together under one roof. We had our separate bedrooms, with shared bathrooms and kitchens, but it was very communal. Even Mary lived with us! It was 2020, so our classes were 100% online during this year and the school still hadn’t yet perfected the art of virtual learning. So school was easy, and it gave us a lot more time to hang out with Mary Jane. I’d see her every day and night, saying hello to her in the mornings and goodnight to her in the evenings. She was good to me, I liked her a lot.

A year later, I was back in school, and back to hanging out with Mary. Since I had to actually go to class, I wasn’t able to see her as much as I would have liked during the daytime. Mary and I’s relationship peaked during the previous year. But we still hung out a lot. In fact, I lost a different friend that year, and instead of finding more serious help, I saw Mary when I needed to escape.

Halfway through my junior year, I participated in my school’s study abroad program. I was headed to Milan, Italy. I didn’t have any friends going there with me, and I was nervous to be all alone. Luckily, I met a group of friends pretty early on, and travelled the world with them. We were busy, and though Mary was abroad too, I didn’t get to see her much. I saw her a couple of times in Italy, I saw her once in Barcelona and I also saw her in Amsterdam. When I was with her, I liked her. But I didn’t see her very often. I wasn’t sad about it or happy about it. It just was what it was.

Senior year and we were back to seeing each other every day. I had a job lined up for post-grad, so school wasn’t a large priority for me. I was relatively content with skating by until it was time to collect my degree. So most nights ended with Mary, and some weekend mornings started with Mary. Sometimes we’d spend the whole day together.

A year after graduation, and I was still seeing Mary. At this point I was living in my childhood home, so I wasn’t able to hang out with Mary as much. I had to do chores and Mary wasn’t exactly welcomed by my parents. In fact, they’d say she’s a bad influence on me. But I’d sneak her in at night and hope that any signs of her were gone by morning.

A year after that, and I had just moved to New York City. The big apple. A place of endless possibilities, and limitless opportunity. Mary was still in my life, and now that I wasn’t living at home, I was able to see her more often. I was working remotely, so I had a lot of time on my hands to see her. If you asked me, I’d tell you that I hung out with her too much. That she made my other relationships worse and harmed my ability to branch out. I got comfortable with her and was uncomfortable without her. I was stumbling through every interaction, anxious and foggy. I had trouble remembering what I did on some days, and felt like I had to lie to my friends and family about seeing her. But I still went back. She was a drug, and I was an addict. She encapsulated me in a way I never knew was possible. She was a drug, and I was weak.

Today, it’s another year later, and I’ve been distancing myself from her. I love her, but even I know that she is not good for me. It has been nice to see her here and there, but I could not continue to see her so often. I’ll miss her, and never forget the times we shared together. I know that I’m stronger without her. Each day becomes easier than the last. One foot in front of the other.

I love you Mary Jane, but it’s time to release the shackles. It’s time to lift the fog.